Screenshot from my debut appearance on A Current Affair.

Screenshot from my debut appearance on A Current Affair.

Sorry to my dentist for not flossing regularly.

Sorry to my girlfriend for calling out my own name in the heat of the moment.

Sorry to the audience in cinema 7, Indooroopilly Event Cinemas one day in 2007 for loudly groaning the entire way through Reign Over Me.

Sorry to my landlord for really messing up that wall.

Sorry in advance to my next landlord for really messing up one of your walls.

Sorry to my dentist for asking you questions while your fingers are in my mouth.

Sorry to my neighbours for putting a Beware of Dog sign on your fence.

Sorry to my neighbours for putting a rabid Rottweiler in your yard.

Sorry to the Sydney City Apple Store staff for tripping over myself and wiping out your entire iPad Mini display.

Sorry to every Stewart I’ve met for immediately reminding you that your name contains “wart”.

Sorry to my parents for not calling to say “I love you” more often.

Sorry to my parents for calling to say “I threw up in the McDonald’s bathroom” too often.

Sorry to my dentist for requesting a second opinion when you told me that several of my teeth had fallen out.

Sorry to the patrons of Queen Karaoke for requesting Eiffel 65’s Blue, crying rather than singing, refusing to leave the stage and then getting back up and doing the exact same thing to Oasis’ Champagne Supernova.

I realise now that I should’ve chosen better songs.

Sorry to Siri for being so clingy. I’m working on it.

Sorry to Ahmet from Dominos, who had to deliver a large thin n’ crispy meatlovers to my wrestling party. Sorry for putting you in a two-handed chokelift. Especially sorry for the nudity.

Sorry to my friends for talking trash about you behind your backs.

Sorry to my real friends for taking so long, I had to fake an apology to some losers.

 

Yours repentantly,

Julian

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