Screenshot from my debut appearance on A Current Affair.

Sorry to my dentist for not flossing regularly.

Sorry to my girlfriend for calling out my own name in the heat of the moment.

Sorry to the audience in cinema 7, Indooroopilly Event Cinemas one day in 2007 for loudly groaning the entire way through Reign Over Me.

Sorry to my landlord for really messing up that wall.

Sorry in advance to my next landlord for really messing up one of your walls.

Sorry to my dentist for asking you questions while your fingers are in my mouth.

Sorry to my neighbours for putting a Beware of Dog sign on your fence.

Sorry to my neighbours for putting a rabid Rottweiler in your yard.

Sorry to the Sydney City Apple Store staff for tripping over myself and wiping out your entire iPad Mini display.

Sorry to every Stewart I’ve met for immediately reminding you that your name contains “wart”.

Sorry to my parents for not calling to say “I love you” more often.

Sorry to my parents for calling to say “I threw up in the McDonald’s bathroom” too often.

Sorry to my dentist for requesting a second opinion when you told me that several of my teeth had fallen out.

Sorry to the patrons of Queen Karaoke for requesting Eiffel 65’s Blue, crying rather than singing, refusing to leave the stage and then getting back up and doing the exact same thing to Oasis’ Champagne Supernova.

I realise now that I should’ve chosen better songs.

Sorry to Siri for being so clingy. I’m working on it.

Sorry to Ahmet from Dominos, who had to deliver a large thin n’ crispy meatlovers to my wrestling party. Sorry for putting you in a two-handed chokelift. Especially sorry for the nudity.

Sorry to my friends for talking trash about you behind your backs.

Sorry to my real friends for taking so long, I had to fake an apology to some losers.

Yours repentantly,

Julian

Categories: Uncategorized

#SausVotes2013: The Best of the Wurst

Julian Hartley

Posted on September 7, 2013

It was unseasonably hot for an early September morning in Sydney. The footpath sizzled like a sausage, but what also sizzled like a sausage was sausages. Thousands of sausages sizzling on hundreds of barbeques across the inner west, all in order to coerce the public to brave the heat and vote for this one guy or this other guy, or one of several other guys and girls. I’d already done it – I voted for this one guy earlier in the week. Being from Queensland, I was enrolled in my previous electorate of Ryan, and being a Queenslander, I hadn’t changed my address on the electoral roll.

Today however, I had a different kind of roll in mind. A bread roll, with a hot sausage stuffed inside it, smattered with fried onion and smothered in the unbeatable combo of mustard and tomato sauce. I’ve always believed that the sizzled sausage is the casual hot dog. And I mean that in the best way. A sausage just effin’ slapped on a slice of bread will always be superior in my books.

So with the sweet scent of seared snags in my snout and a bunch of gold coins in my hand, I set off on my adventure. While everyone else was out to decide who was the best of the worst, I was out to decide which sausage sizzle was the best of the wurst.

I found most of these under my dirty undies

I planned out my route earlier the week thanks to the Election Sausage Sizzle Map. I would travel to my four closest polling stations and sample their sausage sizzles. That evening as the votes were counted, I would decide which sausage sizzle was the best in the greater Glebe/Newtown area. I totally recognise that it’s kinda lazy to just do 4, but hey, I’m only one guy. One guy without a car and limited stomach space. My route was as follows: Forest Lodge Public School, Darlington Public School, Australia Street Infants’ School and Camdenville Public School, shown out handily on this Google map I just learned how to insert.

I hope you enjoy this because I wasted an entire Saturday researching and putting this together. Seriously dude I ate four sausages in three hours for this.

Forest Lodge Public School
Bridge Rd, Forest Lodge

I arrived at Forest Lodge Public School at around 12:30. After spending 20 minutes braving the relentless haranguing of the pamphlet-hocking masses, I was keen for a quality snag. Valiantly battling my way through their blockade, I wondered whether they ever got into fights with each other about their opposing political views, but then figured they probably bond over the common cause of guilting people into throwing away their rubbish for them.

I pity the foolafel

Upon passing the bake sale and Mr T’s Falafels, I caught sight of the barbeque. A couple of blokes sipped poppers and flipped snags while a lady ran the front of the stall. It wasn’t busy. I ordered a sausage with mustard and tomato sauce, but for whatever reason it came back with tomato and barbeque sauce. There was a disturbing lack of onion on the grill, too. This doesn’t bode well, I told myself. “What?” asked the lady at the counter. I was just talking to myself, I explained. “Oh.” I asked if they were selling cans. Nope, I was told, I’d have to see if there were any left at the tuckshop. What, all the way over there? Haha, dream on, lady. I paid the exorbitant price of $4 for my lacklustre BBQ/tomato sauce snorker and took a seat. But I mean, maybe I was being harsh. It could very well be a good, simple sausage!

Hey so guess what, it wasn’t.

The snag, soaked in the two sauces everyone acknowledges should never be mixed, was of the stock-standard bargain bin variety and the bread roll was stale and doughy. I gulped down this sad sausage begrudgingly, each mouthful somehow more disappointing than the last.

With a side order of mediocrity please!

I left Forest Lodge Public School thoroughly unfulfilled. That was one sausage sizzle that didn’t cut the mustard.

2/5

Darlington Public School
Golden Grove St, Chippendale

Tucked up behind the top end of King St I found Darlington Public School. Mercifully, there were fewer pamphlet pushers here, but I got stuck behind a crowd of well-dressed folk milling out the front. Turns out they were at a wedding at the church next door. I made a joke about voting for the Bridal Party but I don’t think anyone heard me. It got me thinking about what if weddings were run democratically. Everyone casts their votes for a new husband or something. The bridesmaids and best men make up the cabinet. I don’t know. It was a stupid idea, really.

When I arrived at the front of the line, I was greeted by a cheery lady and her equally cheery daughter. I ordered a snag and a can of Sprite, the most complementary soft drink you can find, for just $4 (take note, Forest Lodge!) and to my surprise my sausage came to me in the form of a sandwich. I thought that was a nice touch. It’s the little things that make a sausage sizzle special.

A twist on a classic #inventive

The sausage was lovely and the bread was soft and fresh, garnished with a fine layer of bbq’d onion and lathered in tomato sauce and mustard. I left feeling satisfied and complimented the chef. He told me sizzling sausages was his passion and I believed it. Nice job, Darlington Public.

4/5.

Australia Street Infants’ School
Australia St, Newtown

Gen Y

The pamphlet folks at the Australia Street Infants’ School were all disinterested hipster types, so I was free to pass through at my own will.

The line for the polling booths wound out onto the street, yet the line to the sausage sizzle was nonexistent. I wasn’t sure whether or not this was a good thing. Turns out it was neither – it was no thing. The sausage was fine, self-serve sauce selection, a little too much onion for my taste. I perused their second hand book sale while I finished my snag. It was all kids’ books, which seemed silly because kids can’t vote! Know your market, guys.

There’s not much else to say here. This was the You, Me & Dupree of sausage sizzles. Not good, not bad. It was exactly what it was.
3/5.

Camdenville Public School
Laura Street, Newtown

…now the whole team here

Camdenville Public School was a ghost town by the time I got there and not just because of the demonic, disembodied voice that warned me against entering or the way the walls intermittently dripped with blood. The day was winding down and the sausage sizzlers were about to pack up. While I waited for my sausage, I chatted with a charming mother and daughter bake sale team, who upsold me some banana bread to go with my sausage. I told them about this stupid blog post I was supposed to be writing where I review the local sausage sizzles and they offered me a bag of popcorn, free of charge. Sorry but I don’t accept bribes, I asserted through mouthfuls of free popcorn.

Anyway, I grabbed my sausage and started walking home. The sausage was pretty good – the bun was nicely toasted – crispy on the outside, soft on the inside. The snag was well-barbequed and the sauces were applied liberally. All in all, Camdenville Public School put on a pretty damn good sizzle.

4/5.

Upon busting the front door down with my mighty sausage-stocked gut, I rolled onto the living room floor. I felt satisfied, like I’d accomplished whatever it was I’d set out to do. Which I think was eat a lot of sausages for under twenty dollars. Heaving my rotund breadbasket, I rolled up to my bedroom and grabbed my laptop before rolling back downstairs. I attempted to crack my knuckles but they wouldn’t crack so I pretended they did and got to work. And that brings us to now – 1:22, Saturday morning.

Let’s face it, it’s hard to stuff up a sausage sizzle. Anyone can barbeque a decent sausage and throw it on a slice of bread. That’s what’s great about them. It’s also the reason it’s so goddamn hard to sizzle an amazing sausage, the kind that really stands out in the crowd. That’s why I award Best Sausage In The Greater Glebe/Newtown Area to Darlington Public School for their innovative sausage sizzle sandwich. It takes a totally passionate sausage sizzle cognoscente to cook up something as simple and satisfying as that.

PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PRESTIGIOUS AS FUCK JPEG

PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PRESTIGIOUS AS HECK JPEG

So yep. That’s what I’ve been up to this election saturday. What else’s going on, guys?

Categories: Uncategorized

Apologies

Julian Hartley

Posted on October 23, 2013

#SausVotes2013: The Best of the Wurst

Julian Hartley

Posted on September 7, 2013